Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
