I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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