I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
