why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
