i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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