I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
