he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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