I am in a vortex of obligation.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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