If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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