I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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