Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
