I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Randomize
