I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
