Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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