meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
