my phone needs a breathalizer
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
