It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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