Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
