Having a random hookup so left but love u
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
