i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
