I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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