Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
