My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
