kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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