TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
