my phone needs a breathalizer
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
