is your mom at the bar?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
