I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
