I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
