Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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