I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My cat gives me a boner
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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