Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
