Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
