i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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