I skipped work to stalk him.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
