I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
