So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize