Have you finally orgasmed yet?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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