Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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