I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
