I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
