There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
