So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm like, not good at living.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
