i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize