Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
