I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
