I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We need to get me chipped asap
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
