So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
