So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
