you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
