3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
