So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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