it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
