I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
