no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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