I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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