and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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