I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
