What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
