I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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