My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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